Who Cut the Cheese?

1:18 PM Kari R. 3 Comments

Today's post is another contribution from my hilarious younger sister, to whom she credits her witty nature to yours truly - ME.

When I was growing up I always wanted a cellar.

Think of how amazing a real ‘old-school’ cellar would be.

In fact, you could be saying the following:“Oh, Thomas can you please bring in the venison—it’s being left to die and dry in the cellar."Or
“Oh goodness, I forgot to pick up an extra bottle Merlot at Bev Mo, luckily I have 6,894 bottles in the cellar”.


You could literally stock up on food for the year with a cellar and you could keep “real” food. For example, I could start buying raw grain and gargantuan slabs of meat. But, let’s be honest my cellar would be filled with one thing and one thing only.

Cheese.


It would be fantastic. In fact, imagine if you will: You walk in. In the far left corner is a little Manchego, there is some goat cheese with a real goat to right; and some Gouda in a big wax of wonderfulness.

But you know what else, besides raw grain and hanging meat, you would NOT find in my cellar?

Cheddar.

I’m over it.

It’s done with. El fin. Gone to the cleaners.

For all of you who are confused because you’re still in love with cheddar. I say—shame on you. Your love of this inferior cheese simply shows you unwillingness to experience real living—you should all be ashamed. I, on the other hand, have already realized that cheddar is simply not as amazing as we all thought. Yet, it’s not that cheddar tasted bad. It doesn’t.

It’s that Pepper Jack taste so much better.

Pepper Jack has replaced the cheddar in my life. Cheddar, my once staple cheese (meaning I used it in the basics—sandwiches, eggs, quesadillas), is no longer my cheese of choice. It pains me to say that I didn’t realize how good life could be until I met Pepper Jack (who I will now be calling Jack Pepper) only a mere year and half ago. I wasted some of my best years with a cheese that just doesn’t taste as good with bacon. This simple realization created a huge epiphany: We all need to put down our staple foods.

So please remove that turkey on wheat, which you are currently eating, from your mouth. Please throw away the broccoli you were going to make for the 10th time this week. Please shred the lasagna recipe that you don’t need because you’ve memorized it.

I’m not saying we should never eat these foods. But I am saying that there are other foods we all need to experience. Thus, I’ve taken the liberty on your behalf, you’re welcome—you can send your thanks on the blog spot below, to write down a list of food items that I know many of you have refused to try. I’m not saying that all the foods on the list are going to end/be digested well, but I am saying that you too can find your Jack Pepper. If you would like to add to this list please feel free to comment on the blog spot below, (HINT HINT WINK WINK nobody commented on the last blog).

THE LIST
1. Beets
2. Radishes
3. Those weird squash looking things
4. Coconuts in raw form
5. Snowballs (I know totally unhealthy---but they just look interesting)
6. The peanut butter with the oil on top that you grind yourself
7. Shark
8. That deli meat with the olives in it (who is currently buying this??)
9. A mini-INSERT FOOD OF YOUR CHOICE HERE (cake, banana, orange, pie, Eggo waffle)
10. Real maple syrup
11. Spam
12. Alligator
13. Rabbit
14. Miracle Whip (I don’t know if I can actually do this one, but will see…) 15. Lima Beans
16. Pomegranates
17. Cactus (I’m pretty sure this has a different name)
18. Spirits
19. Port
20. Something new from the “Ethnic Foods Isle”
21. A drink with malt in it
22. Ostrich Eggs
23. Quail

3 comments:

  1. Is this a list of what to eat or not to eat? I don't think cactus and that olive meat are my ideal "must try foods". I probably could live my life quite fullfilled without trying those two things.

    But I do want to try the ostrich egg....

    -Erin

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hilarious! Now I'm on a mission to find my own Jack Pepper!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would add:

    Jamon de Iberico (or Spanish ham) when coupled with a melon is mouthwatering;
    Paella-when done right is culinary delight;
    Tasting a big California Cabernet Sauvignon (try Miner,Opus, Caymus, Kathryn Kennedy)if aged just right will make you understand why wine is the nectar of the Gods;
    Filet Mignon (the best in the world is found at Restaurant "El Sobrino de Botin"the oldest restaurant in the world and not only a Hemingway hideout but is referenced in his book "The Sun Also Rises").
    Finally, cactus or "Nopales" is a great Mexican dish which is extremely healthy for you...healthy food is a necessity if you are going to enjoy my favorites.

    ReplyDelete